What Is the “6'1", Because Apparently That Matters” Guy on Dating Apps Really Trying to Tell Us?
Like many singles in our current era of dating-app fatigue, I’ve been more or less off the apps in recent years. But a few weeks ago in a moment of renewed curiosity, I decided to re-download one of my old go-tos and quickly discovered that not much has changed in my absence. As I started to swipe, I swiftly encountered many of the same clichés that have echoed throughout male dating app profiles since the dawn of Tinder: “Partner in crime,” “Fluent in sarcasm,” “My personal hell is: this app, lol.” And, of course, some variation of “[Insert height above 6 feet], because apparently that matters.”In some ways, you might argue that this consistency is comforting—charming, even! In an age of rapid and tumultuous change, it’s nice to know some things stay the same! But as I swiped through six-foot-because-apparently-that-matters man after six-foot-because-apparently-that-matters man, I didn’t feel nostalgic; I felt...annoyed.For the uninitiated, a man parading his six-foot-plus status in his dating app bio is a standard cliché, one based on the assumption that women only want to date men six feet and over. I don’t think it’s unfair to say some might find it annoying for a few reasons, including the overuse and also the redundancy—most mainstream dating apps already have a designated place for you to quietly list your height elsewhere in your profile, rendering an in-bio shoutout an arguably unnecessary humblebrag. But while I’d always found it mildly irritating, what once called for an eye roll now struck me as an instant left-swipe situation. Related StoryWhat’s Wrong With Staying Single Forever?But...why? Had my tolerance for men unfairly plummeted in the last few years, or had I simply gotten better at eyeing the red flags? Admittedly, the answer is probably some combination of the two. But after deciding it was time to maybe put down the phone and look inward, it occurred to me that the reason “6'1", because apparently that matters,” was spiking my cortisol levels isn’t just because it’s overused or unnecessary or maybe a little douchey—it’s because it reflects a number of patriarchally-enforced presumptions that make heterosexual love in a misogynistic society so difficult for both men and women. The height standard to which many men seem to feel subjected is not one that was devised by women but rather one imposed on us all by internalized patriarchal beliefs.What men are passive-aggressively responding to with “[height], because apparently that matters,” is the belief that women will only date men if they meet a certain height standard. This overgeneralization is widespread enough to be (unfortunately) mainstream at this point, but it’s rooted in the same incel-coded ethos lurking in darker corners of the internet. “No one wants to date a guy under 6 feet” is “no one wants to date a nice guy”–adjacent—a one-line distillation of the entitlement to women and sex that patriarchy promises straight men and their frustration when they can’t cash that check.Of course, the men who find themselves on the “right side” of this standard (the over 6-foot side) theoretically have nothing to complain about. But in flaunting their good fortune under the guise of faux-humility, “because apparently that matters,” they’re still fueling this narrative by leaning into a judgmental assumption about the unreasonable standards all women supposedly demand of men and shaming us for it in the process. Related StoryWhy Can’t We Stop Dating Doomscrolling?That said, I do realize that the belief these men are responding to isn’t totally unfounded. While I myself love a short king and a daddy long legs alike, I am aware that there are women out there who prefer a man of height. And while I believe we’re all more or less entitled to our preferences, I think it’s worth suggesting that this particular preference for a certain male height standard may be influenced by certain female beauty standards that encourage us to want to feel (literally) small compared to men. Either way, I certainly don’t think women should be listing their “Must Be This Tall to Ride” policies in their dating app bios any more than men should be proactively defending themselves in their own.That’s the thing, though. The “because apparently that matters” guys usually aren’t responding to any particular woman who’s made her lofty demands of their stature. They’re making a presumption about what all women want and painting us with the same passive-aggressive brush, insinuating that it’s somehow unfair or wrong or off-putting of us to want the thing they decided we want. Or, more fairly, the thing patriarchy decided we want. While I think it’s fair to say that women drew the short end of the stick when it comes to suffering under patriarchal beauty standards, the truth is that people of all genders do—including men. But the height standard to which many men seem to feel subjected is not one that was devised by women themselves but rather one imposed on us all thanks to internalized patriarchal beliefs about men needing to be physically superior to women—the flip side of the same ones that have long encouraged women to be shorter, thinner, and generally take up less space than men. Because whether we happen to be casting it or falling under it, the male gaze stares right back at all of us in the mirror. 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