Love Bombing Might Seem Like a Whirlwind Romance, but That’s What Makes It So Sinister

It might feel like a dream at first: goodnight texts, words of affirmation, lavish gifts, and someone who swears you’re their soulmate after one date. And while that over-the-top attention might seem like something straight out of your favorite rom-com, it’s not always as innocent as it seems. I know, I know—it feels wildly flattering, especially in the early stages of dating. But it can also be a sign of something far less romantic: love bombing.If you’re unfamiliar with the popular therapy speak term, you’ve come to the right place. “Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person,” explains relationship therapist Sasha Jackson, LCSW. “It often feels sudden, intense, and mismatched to the situation,” adds Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, and relationship expert at the dating app Hily.The tricky part? It doesn’t always seem bad at first. Those sweet compliments and constant check-ins can trigger feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. “You feel special, needed, loved, valuable, and worthy, which are all the components that contribute to and increase a person’s self-esteem,” says Jackson. But soon, that praise might shift to criticism or control, and because of how kind and giving they were in the beginning, you may feel obligated to stay.If this sounds like the plot of some creepy Netflix documentary, you’re not wrong. The tactic is often used by narcissists, abusers, and even cult leaders. “Love bombers may build you up and then quickly put you down,” Cohen says. “This allows them to have all of the control in the relationship,” making it harder for you—the receiver—to spot the red flags.The good news? We’re here to help. Below, we’re breaking down what love bombing looks like, how to tell if it’s happening to you, and how to protect yourself before things go from flattering to WTF. Related StoryWhy Do We Love to See a Celebrity Breakup?What Is Love Bombing?As mentioned, love bombing is when a person showers you with attention, love, and affection, often early on in the process of dating, explains Cohen, noting that it can involve grand gestures, intense compliments, or fast-moving declarations like “I love you” before truly getting to know the other person.Despite seeming like something straight out of your middle school fantasies, love bombing is actually a dangerous manipulative tactic used by narcissistic and abusive individuals that anyone (yes, even you) can fall for. That’s because, like most manipulation tactics, love-bombing is literally designed to sneak up on you. “Love bombers seek to quickly obtain the affection and attention of someone they are romantically pursuing by presenting an idealized image of themselves,” says Lori Nixon Bethea, PhD, owner of Intentional Hearts Counseling Services. The overall goal? To enhance their ego by gaining power over those being pursued. Anyone is capable of love bombing, but it’s most often a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder, says psychotherapist Ami Kaplan, LCSW. It can also be a symptom of borderline personality disorder, says somatic psychotherapist Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist. BPD is known for causing people to “split,” to swing from one degree to another, or go from hating someone to idolizing them in a matter of minutes to days. In this cycle, the love bombing can come after a period of being treated like hell. This is often done in a desperate attempt to fix things, as many people, especially those with BPD, have a feeling of abandonment that can be unbearably painful for them. “Love bombing is largely an unconscious behavior,” Kaplan explains. “It’s about really getting the other person. Then, when they feel like they really got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, the narcissist typically switches and becomes very difficult, abusive, or manipulative.” She adds that the same person who was just super idealizing of their partner will switch to devaluing them. While experts note it can be associated with personality disorders, love bombing wasn’t first coined by psychologists. It’s a behavior that actually started among famous cult leaders. Members of the Unification Church of the United States (a notorious cult better known as the Moonies) love-bombed new recruits to encourage them to join their fellowship. Other narcissistic cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh used a similar method of excessive positive reinforcement in order to manufacture feelings of intense unity and loyalty. “It demonstrates a lack of boundaries,” Richmond says. Related StoryA Toxic Relationship Is Just a Cult of OneWhat Are Some Signs You're Being Love-Bombed?Dating a love bomber isn’t going to look the same in every situation, but a few telltale signs of a love-bombing partner are extravagant gifts, obsessive flattery, constant complimentary texting, and always expecting a prompt reply. Richmond adds that someone changing their mind about giant decisions overnight—for instance, going from saying they never want kids to offering to start trying right away the second they think you’re leaving them—can also be a clear sign of love bombing.If you’re looking for more specifics, here’s what a love bomber might say, says Jackson:“I want to spoil you.” (Aka if your partner buys you excessive gifts in a short amount of time.)“I just want to be with you all the time.” If you feel guilty for wanting boundaries or space, not a good sign.“I like to check on you because I get worried.” If they check in every once in a while, cute. Constantly checking in on your whereabouts, checking on social media pages, or asking for passwords? Love bombing. “We are meant for each other.” Be cautious if things feel really intense really fast, or they mention you being their soul mate or twin flame early on. “It’s you and me forever, right?”And here’s how a love bomber might act, per Bethea: The love bomber will demand your attention and time and may isolate you from your family and friends (for example, they may become angry and make you feel guilty for making plans with others). The love bomber will excessively compliment you and shower you with affection.The love bomber will persuade you to commit to them very early on in the courtshipRelated StoryQUIZ: How Red Is This Red Flag? What Are Some Signs That You Are the Love Bomber?Sorry if this seems a little off-putting, but as the experts note, love bombing is often an subconscious behavior, so you might not even know that you’re doing it. Sending flowers, writing love poems, and allowing yourself to fall head over heels in NRE (new relationship energy) are certainly not always abusive behaviors, even if they are tactics love bombers utilize. So how can you tell if your grand romantic gestures are the stuff of rom-coms or the start of a Jeffrey Dahmer documentary?According to Richmond, it all comes down to codependence. First, she stresses that despite what you think you know, codependence isn’t always a bad thing. “We’ve been spoon-fed this idea that codependence is always unhealthy, but every relationship has to have a healthy degree of codependency. Otherwise, you’d be in your lane, and they’d be in their lane, and that’s barely a relationship at all.” However, because love bombing is all about tearing away boundaries, if a romantic desire to share time together turns into feelings of manipulation and fear rather than affection, you should check in with yourself, your friends, and your therapist or chosen family—whoever you get support from. “When you’d do anything to get that person back, you’re looking at unhealthy codependency,” Richmond says. Suppose you feel like you couldn’t live without someone and would do anything from showing up unannounced and unwanted at their door to sending inappropriate gifts that, in your gut, you know are weird. In that case, you may be the love bomber and should consider working with a therapist to develop a healthier attachment style. It doesn't mean that you're doomed, but it does mean that you deserve to enjoy love from a healthier place. Cohen adds that love bombing typically has a motive—if you’re showering someone with affection not out of genuine care but to secure control or validation, it’s a sign you may be crossing into unhealthy behavior.Related StoryBeware the SituationswitchWhy Is Love Bombing So Dangerous?Whether you’re the perpetrator or the victim, love bombing can be incredibly detrimental to your mental health because it’s a form of emotional abuse, and Jackson says it has everything to do with the law of reciprocity: “If someone gives you something, you feel that you owe them something equal or greater in return. So if your partner is giving you excessive love and attention, you feel like you have to give this behavior, dedication, or ‘loyalty’ in return despite the red flags you experience.”According to Bethea, once the targeted person becomes hooked on the love bomber, the love bomber has not only gained control over their partner’s mind and heart, but they also have their ego boosted. "At this phase, they no longer have any use for their partner and begin the process of withdrawing from the relationship," she says. That's when the abuse comes in. They may hurl insults, make disparaging remarks, gaslight, and cause their partner to feel invalidated and devalued, says Bethea. "The love bomber is aware that they have control over their partner and may eventually walk away from the relationship, with an understanding that they can return at any time to continue the cycle of abuse.”What to Do If You’re Being Love BombedPoint-blank, love bombing is a form of psychological manipulation. Still, it’s normal to feel a strong attachment to a love bomber or even to defend their actions. When narcissists target their desire to control someone, they look for deep-seated insecurities and find ways to exploit them. For instance, you may feel like this person truly gets you or sees you for who you really are. It might feel like this relationship—however controlling it is—has also provided you with the kind of validation that you’ve always wanted. If you realize the person you’re with is love bombing (or engaging in any sort of manipulative behavior), you should do what you can to safely remove yourself from the abusive situation and seek out support systems outside of the relationship. Get a forthright POV from people that you trust. “First and foremost, I would ask the person to be really vulnerable, transparent, and honest. Because most of the time, when people are being love bombed, they feel embarrassed. I think it often will take an objective perspective from a friend, family, chosen family, [or] therapist, to say Hey, this really does look like a cycle of violence here,” Richmond says, also stressing that there’s no need to blame yourself for what happened.Related StoryThe Stay-at-Home GF Trend Is Dangerous, ActuallyIf it’s still early days and you think this behavior could just be hardcore crushing rather than love bombing, it’s still worth having a conversation and expressing how the attention is making you feel. Something as simple as “Hey, this seems to be moving pretty fast, and I need to set some boundaries” is a good place to start. It’s in your best interest to safely try to stop communicating with someone who you realize is acting to control or manipulate you (or others in your life). It’s almost certainly not within your capability to change a love bomber’s behavior, and it’s not your job to do so anyway (leave that to the professionals who *aren’t* emotionally invested). The best course of action is straightforward—end the relationship, unfollow them, and find the support you need to back you up. Cohen also notes that if someone responds to your feedback with more intensity, manipulation, or defensiveness, that's even more of a sign that it's time to move on and find the support you need from a trained mental health clinician to process your feelings. Kaplan also stresses the importance of seeking out a close friend or family member who can keep your confidence, or search for a therapist or narcissism support group—there are many that specialize in dealing with love bombing (even if they don’t use the exact same term). “You want to get some support from other people who have been in relationships with narcissists,” Kaplan says. “The question is how to start setting boundaries so you’re not getting abused. Just take small, slow steps based on your circumstance.”Related StoryTime to Set Some Healthy Dating Boundaries

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