Remember me
When it comes to predicting events in the year ahead, I confess to not having the best of records. In this spot last year I predicted that, in the year ahead, Putin would fall from power, Trump would cut all ties with Elon Musk, and that Andrew, that previous prince, would admit he’s been in the pay of the Australian Republican movement, since it’s the only way to explain his behaviour.
OK, wrong on all counts; even the Trump-Musk bromance seems to have spluttered back to life. But that’s not going to stop me having another try. Herewith, my cast-iron, guaranteed-correct, 20 best predictions for 2026.
Look, I’m often wrong with my annual predictions. But not this time.Credit: Sydney Morning Herald
1. Trump will drop all the policies that make him unpopular, such as tariffs and National Guard deployments, as he hates not being loved. Instead, he’ll concentrate on the two things he really cares about: building the ballroom at the White House and naming stuff after himself.
2. Colesworth will begin losing so many products to shoplifters they will consider a radical new proposal: hiring actual humans to run the checkouts.
3. The international “war on woke” will result in the return of The Black and White Minstrel Show to Australian TV, alongside Love Thy Neighbour and Summer Heights High – at which point people will discover that an awareness of the feelings of others wasn’t always a bad thing.
4. Surfing, and any other forms of sea bathing, will become impossible as access to the ocean is prevented by an unbroken line of oversized cabanas, from one end of the east coast to the other.
5. Younger Australians, following a month or two of pain, will discover life is better without social media. There will be a boom in fishing, going to the movies and visiting op shops. Many other countries will follow our lead, just as they did with the sale of cigarettes, and, in retrospect, it will seem mad that we ever allowed American billionaires to make money from exploiting our children.
6. So many wealthy people will be using weight-loss drugs that upmarket restaurants will stop serving food, instead offering patrons dishes that please not the tastebuds but the other senses – the smell of rosemary crushed under a lamb’s hoof, for example, or in seafood restaurants the sound of rocks being rolled by the lapping waters of the Mediterranean. In some places the chef will just come out, tickle you under your armpits and charge you $85.
7. Crypto will collapse, once people realise it makes as much sense for a “coin” to be worth zero as it does for it to be worth $100,000.
Comments (0)