Updated Rules for Children at Our Brewery
Hello, parents! We here at Davenport Brewery pride ourselves on being family-friendly, despite selling a product that children are legally barred from consuming, which we always kind of assumed meant that we would attract an exclusively adult clientele. But I guess we were wrong about that, and we are thrilled that so many of you are deciding to bring your young children with you on your weekend-afternoon trips to our taproom. Seriously, just thrilled about it—all of us! Even that one bartender who you swore kept giving you dirty looks after your toddler dumped three bowls of our complimentary mini-pretzels on the floor and started stomping them into pretzel dust, inspiring all of the other toddlers at the brewery to do likewise. In fact, especially that one bartender!
That said, we’ve decided to institute the following rules regarding the conduct of children to help make us even more thrilled that you keep deciding to bring them with you in quantities that cause us to question whether all of those statistics about declining birth rates are actually true. Please insure that your offspring follow these guidelines on your next visit:
Children must be supervised at all times.Supervised by you, just to be clear. Not by the waitress—currently carrying a tray of very full pint glasses and curly fries over to the bachelor party at table nineteen—who you think looks trustworthy enough.We know that many of our beers have extremely child-friendly labels featuring unicorns, kittens, and rainbows, but we cannot stress enough that this does not mean that your children are allowed to drink them. We’re honestly not sure why we’re allowed to put these types of images on our beers, either, but here we are.Families are free to sit wherever space is available but are strongly encouraged to set up shop in our new Family-Friendly Fun Zone, conveniently located at the Sandcastle Playground, seventeen blocks away.The rocks at our brewery are meant to be just rocks. They should not be thrown, jumped off, eaten, screamed at, or otherwise befouled.We’re as impressed by your children’s creativity as you are, but the cornhole and giant Jenga we set up in the courtyard are meant to be used for playing cornhole and giant Jenga, not a new game your children invented that seems to mainly involve hiding the beanbags and bricks under cars and yelling at each other about who is doing it best.Parents are under no obligation to explain the rules of this beanbag-and-brick-hiding game to us. In fact, they are strongly discouraged from doing so.Our chairs are for sitting on, not for constructing elaborate forts. And, if you happen to have an architecturally gifted child who makes a chair fort that genuinely looks pretty cool, he should at least let our manager crawl in and check it out instead of telling her that no adults are allowed.The brewery’s ball pit is meant to be an incisive commentary on our generation’s tendency to enjoy the trappings of adulthood—such as consuming alcohol—without fully committing to the responsibilities that are supposed to come with them, such as parenthood. Please explain this to your children if they get confused and think that the ball pit is something they should be able to play in.
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