Let's get one thing straight, no pun intended: screwing onscreen is almost never true to life, which is arguably for the best. Perhaps it would be more realistic to detail the gnarlier elements of sex, but that would also get in the way of both storytelling and the beautifully lit and shot fantasy of it all, together forming the steamy alchemy which played a major part in shooting Jacob Tierney's Heated Rivalry to the top of the cultural zeitgeist. One has to wonder what said realism might offer, be it from a narrative or aesthetic perspective. For example, does anyone actually want a cutaway to a shot of Shane (Hudson Williams) hosing out his penalty circle?
Probably not. Nonetheless, with the demand for authenticity that often surrounds queer screen fiction, you can understand why some audiences are left wanting more. On screen, gay sex usually adopts a curiously heterosexual logic, and Heated Rivalry isn't entirely different. Never do we see Ilya (Connor Storrie) or Shane produce a bottle of lube (though Rachel Reid's original book series allegedly makes plenty mention of it). And for reasons you can probably imagine, the spontaneous sort of shagging we sometimes see in the show can be precarious at the best of times, regardless of whether you keep an athlete's fibre-rich diet.
Yeah, it's fair to assume that sub-bottom-and-proud Shane is doing all of his necessary prep off-screen, not least when he and Ilya get into the swing of hooking up. Nevertheless, while there's reason as to why the functional realities of gay sex are often side-stepped in screen media — the primary objectives are arguably to titillate and drive narrative, not to win authenticity points with the sight of a douche — it can still be a little jarring to viewers familiar with the real thing. Hence why I have done what I can only describe as my obligated duty — both as a journalist and a homosexual — by poring through every episode of Heated Rivalry, pulling out the major Rozanov-Hollander sex scenes, and ranking them by, well, realism. If you binged the show this past weekend on UK release and wondered whether IRL Shane would be immobilised by friction burns come the finale, you've come to the right place.
8. Episode 1: The first time
“I thought you might chicken out,” says Ilya when Shane arrives at his dorm. It's not exactly hooking up with a stranger from the apps — both are readily familiar with one another when the time comes — but the scene is still steeped in the anxiety, excitement, and seemingly infinite possibilities offered by those first fumbling Grindr dates. Shane goes down on Ilya, who asks him to stop after, like, five seconds. “Was that bad?” Shane asks. Nope, Ilya was just ready to pop. This is actually a bone I have to pick with sex scenes at large: the active participant never, ever lasts more than half a minute. Even the most premature ejaculators surely last longer than your typical TV character. (Apparently, the male average is 5 to 7 minutes.) Obviously, it would be a waste of screen time for screen sex to last any longer, but a little transitional fade would do wonders for our suspension of disbelief. The rest is just gorgeously lit oral.
7. Episode 4: Smash-cut to smashing
I can't profess to know how many professional male athletes are actually screwing behind the scenes — nor is it any of our business! — but it's conceptually hot, and sexualised competition is definitely a kink. Plus, the shagging itself is all fairly vanilla and believable stuff. Still, not a single sachet of lube. Shane must have plenty of friction burns, and I'm not just talking about the ice. Plus points for that cutaway to the shower blowjob being shot and lit like a Tom Ford movie. Props to the artistry of the camera department.
6. Episode 1: The second time
Pretty much the same as the episode's earlier sex scene — a lot of well-lit oral and pillow talk — with the wrinkle that Ilya, ever the responsible dom, tries to initiate anal sex for the first time. Shane is understandably(!) nervous and declines to do anything with one of his teammates in the room next door. Also, like, let a dude prep. Mentally and physically. Bottoming is honest work, but it's work!
5. Episode 2: Another begrudging hookup
The first ten minutes of this episode basically comprise Ilya and Shane sexting, screenshots of which quickly circulated on social media as viral meme fodder, helping Heated Rivalry on its way to the cultural stratosphere. ("I'm going to score nine goals for every inch of the dick you want," to paraphrase.) This leads into the scene in which they have anal sex for the first time, establishing a rigid top-bottom dynamic that goes unchanged for the rest of the series. A DL masc athlete like Rozanov refusing to get fucked? That definitely tracks. (My pitch for a season two B-plot? Ilya discovers the joys of the prostate.) Another point for realism: before they engage, Shane stretches over to the bedside table and pulls out a stream of condoms the length of his arm. Maybe there's lube in there too. Either way, points for safe sex.
The montage at the end of this episode is significantly hotter, scored by an adrenalised techno track that feels like it's rearranging your insides. But it's also shorter, and heavy on pillow talk. Still, gotta admire Williams and Storrie's commitment to going full doggie on-screen.
4. Episode 6: Making out — and more — at the cottage
Ah yes, “The Cottage,” Heated Rivalry's finale, which has famously sustained a 9.9/10 rating on IMDb, placing it among the greatest episodes of TV ever made. At the very least, it's incredibly heartwarming: Ilya and Shane finally acknowledge their love, the latter comes out as gay to his parents who embrace his new identity — and former rival turned boyfriend — with open arms. It's your quintessential queer schmaltz. The episode is also among the sexier of the season, beginning with a makeout session in which Shane teasingly roleplays as a hotel bellboy. There's a brief flash of oral. And hey, the best sex is corny sex!
3. Episode 6: The morning after
This scene is hot, unexpected, and actually quite sweet, given it's the first time that Ilya and Shane have sex after they admit their love for one another. Appropriately, their sexual chemistry, and what the act communicates about their relationship, also evolves. This isn't the carnal fucking that we saw back in their rookie days; this is making love, baby. And hey, while there are potentially messy risks involved with morning sex, it isn't unrealistic that they'd kinda go “fuck it” and dive in anyway. Besides which, by this point of the season, I was running with the assumption that Shane had adopted a regular anal prep regime off-screen. And hey, maybe he actually prefers spit!
2. Episode 6: The phone-job
This setup might as well be taken straight from porn, given how many X-rated videos exist online in which someone is sucked off while they chat — often with a committed partner, cheating being one of the more popular porn taboos — over the phone. Which is actually very realistic, because of course a guy so sexually animalistic as Ilya would look to replicate one of his favourite clips IRL. But it also stealthily communicates a major shift in their sexual dynamic. Ilya no longer just desires dominance, he wants to consume Shane, to have him all to himself — and in doing so, convey the sort of pleasure that you desperately need to give the person you love, like a biological impulse.
1. Episode 4: The “I like you, BTW” handjob
Well, it's a handjob. You can't really go wrong with that, can you? Bonus points for the bit where Shane spits in his hand mid wrist-action. Even so, the most realistic bit of this scene lies in its context: it's essentially the first time that Shane and Ilya have any sort of sexual contact while acknowledging that they have feelings for one another, implicit or otherwise. It doesn't ordinarily take seven years (or something) to get there, but long-standing gay situationships evolving into something more despite the participants' terror in the face of… commitment? A tale as old as time. Equally believable is how Shane responds to his maelstrom of emotions by running for the hills. And yet we all knew who'd come crawling back.
Heated Rivalry is now streaming in full on NOW.
