Answer me this, Theo James: why are curls and a 'tache so deadly?

I'm bald, and a lot of kind people say, “You actually look better now.” I don't disagree. But if I were to get it back – and trust, some days I do pine, because ‘feeling the wind through your hair’ truly is as good as the Instagram inspirational quotes accounts would suggest – I'd order a Theo James transplant from the clinic menu. At the UK premiere for his latest film Fuze, the lid grew stronger still. South of it was a moustache, some stubble, and once again, we got another shining example of the ultimate grooming combo. Curls and a 'tache are a pairing tastier than a pint and a cig on a payday Friday.

For decades, guys lucky enough to have curls have fully embraced them. They're cherubic, and boyish, and convey a sort of grooming cutesy holiness when you're the right kind of Mr Tumnus-coded. So coveted are they that a slew of guys have even sought out perms to replicate the lid.

Karwai Tang

Then, you've got the moustache, which is still going, and is still masculine, and is still daddy. It may have started in the ‘70s when everyone looked like a softcore porn director with a secret. But in the last five years, the moustache has become less a thing of strange relatives in family photo albums and more a legit move; sometimes, the most obvious thing is the sexiest thing. The power of suggestion isn’t an exact science, either. Just ask all those fans of Pedro Pascal, who are still stuck in a grief spiral after The Last of Us star shaved his off for the Oscars.

To do both? Well, you need to have the genetics for curls, and for ample facial hair. You also need a meticulous grooming routine, because curls are unruly, and moustaches take time to grow. But more importantly, you need to realise that curls-and-a-tache isn’t too much, nor does this combo pull in opposite directions. Au contraire, comrade – it manages to check every box of conventional, mainstream desirability. It’s boyish and manly. It’s clean and dirty. It’s a balancing act that amplifies the whole image: you’re a kind little cherub who gets real nasty.

Theo James, the actor and Dolce & Gabbana model that he is, doesn’t need curls and a ‘tache to get the blood pumping. But when he does, it does make my heart pang for hair once more – and it’s proof that sometimes, in grooming, more is more.