When The Patient Is Not

I’m seeing a patient in the emergency room.

Me: “Hi, I’m—”

Patient: “—What the f*** is going on with me?”

Me: “Hello, I’m doct—”

Patient: “—Why is no one taking care of me?!”

Me: “I’m the ER docto—”

Patient: “—This is the worst hospital ever.”

Me: Sir, what brings you in tod—”

Patient: “—I’ve been waiting for four hours!”

Me: Your chart says you got here thirty minutes ago. Anyway, what’s bothering you this morning?”

Patient: “You tell me.”

Me: “The chart says you’ve had abdominal pain for three years. Can you tell me more?”

Patient: “I’m not telling you s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, may I examine you?”

Patient: “Don’t touch me until you give me pain meds.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you until I know what’s going on.”

Patient: “F*** you and f*** this place!”

Me: “Okay.”

Patient: “I’M NOT TALKING TO ANYONE UNTIL I SEE THE D*** DOCTOR!”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m Dr. [My Name].”

Patient: “…you didn’t tell me you were the doctor.”