I’m a “Bedroom Kid” Raising a “Living Room Kid,” and I’m Not Alone

The year is 2001. The time on my analog alarm clock on my nightstand reads midnight. 14-year-old me is typing away on AOL Instant Messenger under the nerdy band kid username Drummachick14. Can you relate? My unsuspecting parents, who still weren’t quite sure what the internet was for, slept soundly, unaware of online predators, screen time limits, or cyberbullying. Looking back, I can squarely call myself a bedroom kid.

Fast forward a few decades, and late into the evening, you can find my five kids and me planted on the couch together having “movie night” most nights of the week. When they disappear into their rooms periodically, I can feel anxiety creeping in. What are they doing in there? Are they in black holes of the internet seeing bad things I don’t know about in spite of research and filters and safety apps? Are they lonely? Is it bad that they want to go be alone?

I’m a bedroom kid raising living room kids, trying to draw them back out and down to the family, where it seems there’s safety in visibility from the various predators and threats of the outside world I’ve somehow equated to their lonely bedrooms and devices within them. I’ll stop at no lengths, from cinnamon rolls for dinner to having their friends over.

But what if having a bedroom kid is a fear of my own making, with my own childhood as a framework? And what is healthy alone time, where my kids can draw or write without siblings bothering them? I asked Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and parent coach in San Antonio, Texas for her take on a generation trying to decide which type of kid to raise, and which type they were themselves. Here’s her advice.

What is a bedroom vs a living room kid?

Dr. Lockhart describes the difference between a “living room kid” and a “bedroom kid” like this: A “living room kid” is a child or teen who gravitates toward the shared spaces in the home. “They do homework on the couch, snack in the kitchen, hang out while you cook, and just like being near the action,” she says.

Meanwhile, a “bedroom kid” tends to retreat to their own, private space. “Their room is where they recharge, decompress, and feel most like themselves,” Dr. Lockhart says. “Their nervous system feels calmer when they have control over their environment.”

Neither one, she says, is better or worse. “It’s more about what the child’s temperament needs, how the household is structured, and what’s going on in their world,” she says.

Sometimes, logistically and by way of communication, living room kids are a bit more accessible. “In terms of engagement and schedules, living room kids are often more available by default because they’re physically nearby,” she adds. “Bedroom kids might look less engaged, but they may simply be regulating and recovering from a long day of school, social pressure, masking, or sensory overload.”

This Is the No. 1 Most Important Emotion in KidsWhen bedroom Gen Xers and Millennials raise living room kids

In the “back then,” as my own kids call it, bedrooms were sacred spaces where you could message your crush, chat with your bestie on a corded line, or journal without anyone looking over your shoulder. Dr. Lockhart says that increasing access to tech now means our own kids don’t really even need to leave the living room to privately message their friends.

“So you might see kids in group spaces more, but that doesn’t always mean they’re engaging more,” she says. So while my own kids’ bodies might be in the living room, their minds can all be elsewhere, from one playing Minecraft to another group chatting with their friends. Yet, I find myself reassured when they are physically in the same space, I’ve found.

I’ve noticed that the bigger and more public the screen, the better. A kid playing a video game on the main tv, for example, seems to commiserate with one of his brothers when he’s losing, and they’ll jump in and save him, creating these small moments of connection not possible when he’s isolated in his bedroom. When kids are sitting in close proximity, even doing their own thing, they seem to interact more with each other overall. But, that’s my bedroom kid raising a living room kid bias coming out. I’m happy when they aren’t alone in their room. But I have to remember to stop and consider—what do they need?

Families Are Re-Discovering the Joy of LandlinesMost kids don’t have a solo bedroom anyway

According to a Sleep Foundation survey, more than 70% of kids who are in families with 2 or more children share a bedroom. So, regardless of generation, a kid’s choice of where to hangout the most might depend on whether they are going to really get any alone time or have a feeling of “retreat” in their bedroom anyway, based on whether it’s a shared room or not. As a mom of five kids myself, I can attest to their need to carve out their own sections of their rooms, even in shared rooms. In one bedroom, it looks like two entirely different themes—think the Cars movie on one side, NFL on the other.

Of course in addition to household layout and number of people, there are other factors at play. “Temperament matters,” Dr. Lockhart says. “Neurodiversity matters. Birth order matters. The size of your home matters. Family stress levels matter.”

Getting over my association between mental health problems and bedroom kids

Along the way, I’ve subconsciously decided if a kid is always isolating in their bedroom, they are going to develop mental health issues. Luckily, Dr. Lockhart says says this isn’t true. “When it comes to mental health, I try not to pathologize the location,” she says. “Being in a bedroom doesn’t automatically mean isolation or depression. And being in the living room doesn’t automatically mean connection or emotional wellness. What matters most is whether the child still has healthy relationships, functioning, and a balance of connection and independence.”

Location also doesn’t dictate the type of interactions a family is having, either. “Being together on screens in a shared space can still provide connection cues: presence, proximity, familiarity, a sense of ‘we’re together,’” Dr. Lockhart says. “Even if no one is talking, a child might feel grounded just knowing their people are near. It’s like parallel play—being next to one another while playing in the sandbox—but for older kids.”

Changing parenting goals, changing locations

Compared to the stereotypes about parents from previous generations, parents today are a bit more involved, and wouldn’t be caught dead saying children should be seen and not heard. So, we’ve invited them into our living rooms, offices, and spaces kids previously didn’t venture.

“Modern parenting has shifted,” Dr. Lockhart says. “Many parents want closeness and togetherness more intentionally than previous generations did. There’s more focus on family connection, shared routines, and being emotionally available. That can naturally create more living-room-kid energy.”

“It can also create micro-moments of connection,” she adds. “A kid looks up and comments on something they saw. They show it to their parent. A parent laughs. Someone chimes in. It’s small, but small moments add up.”

3 generations on couch looking at tablet

Which Generation Do You Belong To?Questions to ask about your bedroom or living room kid

As you think through your own history and how you will parent your bedroom or living room kid, Dr. Lockhart says there are a few questions you can ask to determine if their patterns are healthy overall:

“If the answer is mostly yes, I’m not worried,” she says. She also distinguishes between alone time versus isolation—sometimes you need one during the difficult adolescent years where you can feel like you’re always performing until you’re alone. Alone time can be both “healthy” and “protective,” she says.

Above all, more than typecasting your kid, Dr. Lockhart reminds parents everywhere: “If your child can be with people and also be with themselves, you’re doing something right. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.”

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I’m a “Bedroom Kid” Raising a “Living Room Kid,” and I’m Not Alone