Election Diary: Lies, mud-slinging and political curveballs

Back to school

The SNP sent out a press release on Monday trumpeting its proposal for a new "Welcome to School Bag" for youngsters starting primary. In a showcase of Scotland's educational prowess, the word 'stationery' was misspelt. An SNP attack ad on Facebook also managed to misspell Hinkley Point power station. Meanwhile, Reform sent out a notice to the media this week about a photo opportunity at "The Kelpsies" in Falkirk. We don't wish to alarm you, but these people literally want to run our country.

Moo-ved on

Sadly, Reform failed to obtain the necessary permission to film at "The Kelpsies" and were told to beat it, so the party and assorted media were forced to decamp to a nearby farm owned by Falkirk West candidate Richard Fairley. In fairness, given the ongoing row between Reform and Labour over claims of a suggested pact, a farm was probably a more suitable location. Plenty of mud to sling, and full of sh*te.

Truth will out

On that row, both Malcolm Offord, the leader of Reform UK in Scotland, and Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar continue to accuse each other of lying. To recap, Mr Offord claims Mr Sarwar came “bouncing” up to him after a Question Time episode in December and suggested working together to get rid of the SNP. Mr Sarwar categorically denies this ever happened. We like the idea put forward by former Alba Party spinner Chris McEleny, who proposed a lie detector test broadcast live from a Glasgow pub. Anyone got a number for Jeremy Kyle?

Lang Toun heads

Mr Offord was at the Kirkcaldy Links Market on Friday, where he told journalists Kirkcaldy was a “cracking, mainstream town”, adding insightfully: “It’s not like a capital city, but it’s an important mainstream town in Scotland.” It might be mainstream now, man, but some of us were into the Lang Toun before it got big. You even heard the early demos? Name six notable residents.

Nothing to see here

"Police Scotland advises rural communities to be vigilant for suspicious people around homes, farmyards and stables," ran a headline in the Shetland Times on Tuesday. In entirely unrelated news, Nigel Farage was in Shetland that same day as part of a trip north of the Border ahead of the election.

Top gear

Scottish Lib Dem leader Alex Cole-Hamilton is enjoying life in the fast lane as his party battles the SNP in the Highlands. After ditching his Tesla in a fit of wokery, he coughed up for an impressive-sounding electric Ford Mustang. But a battery-powered engine is no soundtrack to a full-blown midlife crisis, so Mr Cole-Hamilton has a special button that makes a fake engine noise. “It’s the most tragic thing I’ve ever seen,” a Lib Dem source said.

Party’s over

So farewell then to the Scottish branch of Your Party, which this week declared itself extinct after its 12-strong Interim Scottish Executive Committee resigned en masse, citing the “consistent disrespect” shown towards members by the organisation down south. It comes just two months after its founding conference in Dundee. Who could possibly have foreseen a party involving Jeremy Corbyn would descend into such a shambles so quickly? No one, that’s who. It simply could not have been envisioned, predicted or anticipated. Sometimes life just throws a curveball.